Long Nights

Sometimes I prefer not to know when something bad is about to happen. At times I'd rather know after it has happened. When you learn that things might go bad suddenly it turns into a long wait. No one wants to feel like they are sitting by helplessly waiting for someone to die. They'd like to think of it as waiting for things to get better, waiting for a change. When the odds are stacked up against someone it really does feel like you are just waiting to be crushed by the inevitable.

I can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep much since Tuesday morning. On Monday night I had this feeling I'd never see the man I know as my dad again. I was half tempted to call him, but I dismissed it.

Truth be told I've seen more of my father in law over the past ten years than I have my own dad. In his own way I suppose he's doted on me in small ways that one would their own; I have some damn fine and expensive art supplies that I only dreamed about at some points. He's taken care of my children as if I was his own and done the same for me when I needed it. In a way I guess there may have been some premonition there.

I could of lived with out it and this damn long night that is far from over. If Rob hadn't of called to tell me what the doctors had said to him I probably would of fallen asleep by now. A 20% chance of making it through the night isn't very good odds. I had thought about telling the children, but I felt it best to let them go to bed. The last thought before falling asleep shouldn't wondering if they would see their grandfather again.

I'm keeping my hopes up, but I am trying to prepare myself for the worst. I think out of the lot of us I've seen the most people go. I will have to be a rock through this one right next to Rob.